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Uh oh…I’m serious and I mention God

September 17, 2007

My dear BFF Stacey is dying for some entertainment and I’m so sorry Gidge, but I’m going to have to let you down on this post.  I’ve been mulling over some things lately and it came to a head around 3:00 this morning.  It’s come so much to a head that I’ve spent all this morning taking my frustrations out on my house….it needed to be cleaned anyway.

Recently, one of my favorite bloggers, Audrey over at Pinks and Blues Girls wrote a post about wondering who really reads your blog.  It’s a great article and if you haven’t read it you should (be sure to check out the comments too).  I think I have a grasp of who is reading my blog, but every once in awhile I get a surprise.

I write all this to say, if your a lurker and you really know me, please remember (I have to remind myself from time to time) that I started this blog as a way to put my memories in writing and to entertain myself (and others along the way if they so chose to laugh at me). 

Sooooo…..

I am writing this post to remind myself down the road where I am right now in my mind, heart and soul.  (Which one would think would be short!)

I feel like I’ve had to deal with forgiveness my whole life.  And I’m not talking the kind of forgiveness you find yourself having to give cause you flipped the bird to the idiot driver in front of you and come to find out you know each other and you end up tripping over yourself trying to find a way to smooth it over.  I’m talking about the tormenting, deep-seeded, cuts your heart out kind of forgiveness.  By now I know the routine and just have to decide on whether to do it or not.

Since we have started at this new church I find myself in a completely different set of boxes.  People have boundaries.  Boundaries are healthy.  So when those boundaries are pushed day after day after day, it not only becomes exhausting but ends up being down right defeating.

Now for those of you who aren’t really the churchy type (and you’re still reading!) don’t freak out over what I’m about to say, cause it’s Biblical and that is all that matters….not what some preacher says…just what God says in the Bible. Period.

I believe that there is a force of hate that wants God’s people to fail and I mean fail miserably!  “A church growing from 300 to 2, 000 in 4 years?  I must stop it at any cost.”  And it comes like this:

Strife among the pastors
Strife among the pastors wives
Marriages on the brink
The kids feeling the pressure to be perfect and snapping
Financial issues

The list can go on and on and on.  It’s so easy to want to throw your hands in the air and say, “I quit!  You can take this so called ‘higher ground’ and shove it up your….nose.”  The conflict is I don’t like to lose.  I’m a very competitive person in EVERY situation.

I lost a battle last night and it was a whopper.  I feel defeated, unbearably hurt and have so much spinning in my head that I can’t filter any of it.  A lot of Christians would say, ‘Hey, that’s good sign that you’re doing something right, so Satan’s trying to destroy you even harder. So perk up!”

Oiy Vay….please don’t say that.  It’s old, it’s cliche and it doesn’t mean a hill of beans to me.

For you church goers, I know a lot of you pray for your church’s staff and their family, but more than not, the majority of the prayers go to the lead pastor and his wife.   Those prayers should be there.  But under no circumstances should you ever think that the lead pastor needs it more than the staff pastors.  I have heard time and time again, people telling the staff that they’re fasting and praying for the lead pastor cause he needs it more than the other staff.  “Ya’ll are just that….staff.” 

The pastoral staff (and volunteers) form a web.  If strands break off, the strength of the web falters and won’t do it’s job.

It’s hard dealing with old wounds that just won’t heal, no matter what you pray.  It doesn’t mean I don’t believe in the power of prayer.  It means, I’m too tired to deal with it once again.  So until I can find that strength to forgive myself and people from my far past, my burden is still mine to carry.  I wish I could say, I’m just PMSing and if I had a good cry it’ll be better in the morning but that won’t work.

Even after all these years of dealing with forgiveness, I’ve never been able to conquer forgiving myself.  It’s hard for me to function around that.

Jen, it’s not a phase that will go away.  You cannot sweep it under the rug, nor do you want to.  You cannot fix it over night or even in 2 months.  The only thing you can do is pray every day, hour or minute.  However long or often it takes till you release your Hulk-grip on this thing and leave it with the only One that can do something about it.  You stupid, distrusting little girl….stop it.

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4 comments

  1. Gi, I sit here and don’t think I could possibly say anything worthy of your post. I’m not sure what is happening and what has happened and how it all correlates with each other, but don’t need to. I think you’re a beautiful woman and a talented writer and I admire you up and down. Knowing that, I’m very certain you’re doing the best you know.

    What you said about leaving it with the only One who can do something about it is correct, such a struggle, no doubt about it. Yet I believe that it’s the ONLY way anyone can do life without drowning in despair. Even then, that creeps in! Lifting you up in prayer right now, Gi and I pray for Him to show you resolution and to give you strength and clarity.
    oxoxoxo


  2. My dear friend, we are all in this together. I praying for you and have been before you posted this. I don’t know your specifics, but I know mine. The last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. I know other people are struggling. When I ask for strength and the ability to understand what’s happening to me (just enough to go on) I ask that for other’s as well.
    In other words, grab on to my life preserver and we’ll float back to shore together!


  3. You are in my prayers! (((HUGS)))


  4. I will pray for you also. My daughter and her husband are in the ministry and I am learning how unbelievable hard it can be. How human we all are and how much we need love.



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